Present time, I can't think clearly why I am doing this but

Present time, I can't think clearly why I am doing this but, somehow I want to do this, maybe because i don't want to move on even now, maybe because i want to know what went wrong, maybe because i want to know all the mistakes I did knowingly, maybe because i still have hopes, i am not sure if any of these make sense. My head hurts not from the old monk but from the memories which I think I want to erase even when i know i cannot, am sick of my shitty life although I have adapted to it now. Cigarette is no more a match for my lungs now, i desperately need a joint. I remember I kept it somewhere stiched inside my collar..... Finally a puff.... My head feels light maybe i am floating who knows (smiling), lol Katrina when did you come? Bang! "Rudra? What's this? Damn you not again! " Said Bryan. I was just talking to Katrina over there.... Said Rudra. It's a poster you moron! How may times have I told you not to get anything other than the normal? See what you have done to yourself!  'The normal doesn't do anything to me now' i protested.  Why is it all blurry Bryan? Why did it happen to me? Why was I.....  "Your anxiety attacks are getting worse every passing day you shouldn't combine the strangest and the strongest weeds with it" i heard bryan Say it and it will went dark. Hey Ruddy! Get up man, how long you gonna sleep? A faint voice called out which felt like Bryan's. Huh? What happened? Where am I? I asked groggily. You have been passed out for two days dickhead! I thought of taking you to the doctor but since you were high on some illegal shit, so i didn't, honestly i thought you were dead. That day you passed out so I brought you to my house, i tried waking you up so many times but you didn't and today if you hadn't woken up I would have called the ambulance. Fuck you moron! I would have been allegedly charged for murder because of you. You know.... I cut him short and "Thanks." i said coldly. Hey you ok? Another one of the anxiety attacks? I